Monday, October 20
Monday, October 6
Monday, September 22
Thursday, September 11
here. That is a whole other post that I may talk about one day, but for the sake of our tale, I will truncate. Every day I would ride the donation bike from the my little cabin in the desert beside the Carmelite Monastery, to the town of Crestone, to use the one pay phone in existence there to call B and say hi. I missed him. Even though we hadn't been together in the same place for longer than four days, I missed him. So we'd chat, I'd get groceries, ride back to my private spot in the desert and think. Alot. We would have music dates, where we would pick an album, and a time and both listen to it in our respective comfortable seats. Miles apart, but together in spirit. Our favourites were Viva la Vida (coldplay) and Agaetis Byrjun (Sigur Ros)...I knew we had to decide what was what. I was terrified, but I was hopeful.
Thursday, September 4
It was kind of a problem. Not only was I totally not interested in having another failed long distance thing, I couldn't move there as I was in school!
So then I had an idea, you see I had to know if this was a real thing, look at him in the eye, touch him, smell him, search his face for the signs. It was a tuesday that i called him and it went something like this:
Me: Are you sitting down? I have something to tell you and I really think you should be sitting for this.
B: ok. Is it bad? should I be worried?
Me: No, no it's not bad..are you sitting yet?
B: Ok, I'm out on the patio and I'm sitting.
Me: I'm going to be at the Toronto airport on Monday...
B: Wait..what? Where are you going?
Me: What do you mean where am I going?
B: I mean are you flying somewhere? Why are you going to be at the airport?
Me: No silly I'm coming to see you! Pick me up!
Anyway, I decided on a whim to go visit B for 4 days on my reading break. I made the right decision. when I got off the plane and came down the walkway, B was looking at the other door and I could look at him in profile for a full minuet before he noticed me coming towards him...It was awesome, he looked exactly the same, and when we hugged he smelled exactly the same. I felt like I had come home.
Monday, August 25
It sounds cliche, but you really never know what life is going to give you. I would never have guessed in a million years, that at 41, I would essentially be shacked up, with a baby, living in Toronto...No way. I think I can speak for many of you out there, that you actually never thought you would make it to the age you are now. I certainly never thought I would make it to 35, let alone 41. It's not like I had a terrible childhood and was a tortured soul who was hell bent on destruction, I just thought I was burning too bright, too fast, and at 25, I could not see the future at all. Sure there were things, everyone has things, mine just happened to manifest in my 20's, not in my adolescence....At 19 I was freshly back in Victoria, after a 9 month jaunt in Ottawa that, quite honestly, almost killed me. I had just gotten a job at the coolest art cafe called JAVA. This was THE spot for the poets and musicians and general misfits of Victoria's alternative crowd. Many people came for the atmosphere and the smoking, some stayed for the chess, scrabble and go. it was here I found my people and to this day look back on Java as some of the best years of my life. This was right around the time I got my second job at Scandals as a speaker dancer(!). When B rolled into town, I have to say, I was immediately curious, as he had quickly nestled himself in the deepest niche of my friends and proceeded to completely ignore me! For those of you who know me and my penchant for demanding all attention in ANY room, you know this drove me mad! B later told me this was, in fact, done for that exact reaction. After three days of this routine, I promptly marched up to him and demanded to know who he was. After this dramatic beginning, we became fast friends, sensing a deep kinship with each other, it was a fantastic winter. Of course, at this time in our lives(mostly in my life) this was too good to be true. B tried in vain to get me to leave Victoria and come travelling around the world with him, he was sure I needed a bigger space and some room to grow. I was too afraid. I got angry at him for criticising my life and we promptly had a falling out...We both went on to have completely different lives, we married and divorced other people, I saw a little more of the world, I grew and had settled back in Victoria, doing first a fine arts diploma, and then an architectural interior design diploma. Upon a conversation with a close friend about the Java days and people we miss B's name came up, so of course I Facebooked his name and about 5 pages with the same name came up, but there was one profile pic of a fellow on a motorcycle wearing a helmet. I took one look at those eyes and I knew it was him....
Thursday, August 14
When I was very small and until about age three, me and my Mom were alone. We lived on Cortez Island in a little cedar truck house and it is here that my ideas about family and home were first formed. There wasn't really a Dad, there wasn't really too much structure in that sense. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it wasn't a great way to spend my early years, but I think there was an impermanence to my idea of home and for sure was missing the Daddy component. Then we met Ed, and he is who I now lovingly call Dad today.. We became a trifecta, and it took almost two years for me to take him seriously as a father figure, let alone a person who wasn't going to leave. I literally didn't speak to him directly for over a year! (Sorry Dad).
As I grew older, I never really felt like enough of an adult to really seriously consider having kids. I mean the biological clock and I were having some serious conversations, but I never felt ready. When I envisioned Motherhood I always pictured me, doing it on my own. It's not that I thought there wasn't someone out there who would do it with me, I just had deeply ingrained in me from childhood, that men are transient and the women are doing things with or without them.
Enter the therapy years....I have spent about 8 years working very hard on my "stuff" and trying to figure out who I really am, how I really feel about things and why, and most importantly healing the wounds from my past that hindered my growth into a happy adult. There are some pretty dark corners in my psyche that I choose not to get into here but let's just say, I now have an advanced degree in exorcism! Therapy changed my ideas about what a family can look like and how I felt about my capability as a Mother, and for that I am grateful. It also allowed me to forge a deep, trusting and lasting relationship with my partner now. Don't get me wrong, a relationship is always changing and it is work, but 90% of it is showing up right? So I showed up. And things happened.
Admittedly, this is a very truncated version of my life up to now, but I wanted you to have a sense of where I came from before I got into 'baby' part of my life and how i got there. Talk to you soon.