Friday, April 6

Ok. Ok. Not Really In Hell......

Hi. It's me. I'm back and I'm ok. I had a good chat with my Doctor about all the things I was feeling, and he said "when did you stop taking the Tamoxifen?" I answered "I haven't stopped yet" (cue the tears, because I was trying, really trying to deal with this medication as I had been told it was a life saver). And his reply was "well stop!" "you can stop!". Halleluyah!!!!!! He ordered a blood test to check my estrogen levels, to see where I'm at there, because if I am in menopause naturally, then there are other meds I can take. Three weeks have passed since this conversation and I have returned to normal, I don't feel crazy, I don't feel homicidal or irritated at everything/everyone all the time. Thank Fuck. I was really beginning to worry about my sanity, and my body was reacting to all the stress in the old ways and I was getting triggered about that. I was afraid there was more in my subconscious to look forward to. Things have actually bee really good these past few weeks, everything has returned to normal. my skin is looking really good and I am waking up feeling actually rested, not dreading the day, or wondering where I was going to muster the strength and patience to get through the day with my family.

So about 5 weeks ago I started to eat better. Whole foods as much as possible, little or no sugar (down to 1/2 a teaspoon in my coffee from 2 heaping) brown grains, more veg. and even thought I'm not working out (yet) I have shed 9 pounds. I feel pretty good too! I'm trying to limit my calories a bit, but mostly working on drinking the water and taking the vitamins, making good choices for my body and indulging when I need a treat. I have also started meal planning and prep on Sundays so my food and snacks are made and ready in the fridge. Next is starting some exercise, I'm thinking couch to 10k and/or strength training.

And some things have happened since I've started to get better, and I am so much more able to cope with things now that I've come through something actually serious and worthy of angst and stress. I realize now, that I used to be a bit of a drama queen, reacting strongly and taking on a lot of things or stressing out about stuff and overthinking it. Granted I still do a  bit of that, but not so much anymore. It's true what they say, "don't sweat the small stuff". I am a much calmer person now, internally. I do feel transformed by my cancer experience. I feel like I am actually alive. ALIVE!!!!! I am much less preoccupied by "what if" because my "what if" happened. And you know what? I lived. I not only lived, I got fierce, I won.

On my journey this past year, a cousin, who lives in South Africa, got in touch with me to let me know my bio dad had cancer too (lymph). And 4 days ago she told me had passed away. Now, most of you know, he was my abuser, doing that to me before the age of 2. Thankfully I was not in proximity to him for long and by three or four had a wonderful Dad, whom I adore, Ed. But the torture and trauma of this experience drove me to some pretty dark places in my early 20's and by my 30's I began to fall apart. Fortunately, I found therapy, and my people (you know who you are), and was able to come through the other side mentally and physically well. At that point that therapy was the hardest thing I'd ever been through. And even though I had let it go, I knew, because he was still alive that there might be a chance he would try to find me or make contact with me. Especially now that he has a Grandson. I didn't know until he was dead, that I was worried about that. But I was also very, very relieved. I felt something lift away.


Why did I just tell you all that? I guess because I'm learning that everything you experience makes you who you are right now, and how you react to things shapes how it affects you. The trauma as a young girl made me a fighter, strong and protective, loyal and fierce. My cancer called on these deep reserves of strength, and fortified them, calling into play my wisdom and care as an older Me. I feel very optimistic about the coming years, working on being a better artist, better friend, better partner. Most of all really stoked on being around. Love to you. Take care of each other.

Friday, March 9

What Fresh Hell is This...


I'm supposed to feel good now right? I'm supposed to feel relief and joy at not having cancer anymore right? So why do I feel like shit? Well, because Jeff, things aren't black and white, good and bad. Yes you are cancer free but guess what? they never know if they "got" everything, if there are rogue cells drifting around in your body waiting to latch on to something more important than a breast. How about bones? how about lungs? how about liver? And when exactly will it show up if it it's going to? 5 years? 10? 30?My anxiety levels are pretty high right now. Don't worry, I have taken steps, contacted the Surviorship centre at the Hospital to get in to see a councelor, called my Oncologist to talk about the Tamoxifen side effects I am feeling, 'cause baby, I am feeling crazy. The hot flashes have calmed down now, which is a relief, but the irritability and the rage over nothing has got to stop. I feel like I have a dark cloud over my head constantly, like every day I feel like the day ...just...wont...end....and I'm waiting for the day to be over, but then at the end of the day, I'm waiting for something else, I don't know what......


On the other hand, radiation went quite smoothly. It was a routine that I got used to, short of a few teary appointments when I freaked out  and was POSITIVE I had lymphedema  (I don't) and was feeling overwhelmed at yet another process I had to go through. My Radiologist suggested that I am quite sensitive to the Tamoxifen and that there are steps I could take to be less stressed and anxious. I am all for it. Except the leading treatment of Tamoxifen side effects is Effexor.  Now for those of you who really know me, you know I had been on Effexor for upwards of 7 years, during my treatment and therapy for my "stuff" (I don't want to get into that now. I might unpack it at a later date but not today)...and it worked. I might go so far as to say it was one of the things that saved my life, it did it's job well. BUT. The coming off process was BRUTAL. I tapered off every week, slowly, as slowly as I could and I still was all over the place, I had crying bouts, I had the electric shock stuff going on in my head and lips ,my sleep was awful, it was a mess.  And it took upwards of a year to do. Anyway, I have a phone call scheduled for today at 3 to talk to my Oncologist and see what he has to say about it all and if there is maybe another thing to try? I'm not sure if that is just going to mean the same thing but under another name, but I know something has got to change. I can change it.

My hair has grown back super curly, it's really weird right now, I'm kind of sporting hair like Grisham from CSI Las Vegas. It's too short to style, to short to cut, but too long to just sit there properly. Thank God I don't have a beard!

 I'm sorry this wasn't the happiest post today. Thank you for holding space for me here, and reading about my journey. I am ok. I have been pro active about getting help. I'll keep you updated when I talk to the Doctor. Love, Jeff