Oh Helloooo.....

Well! My heart is singing today that for sure! I had my regular bloodwork/ check in appointments today and the Doctor told me I'm responding exceptionally well to the chemo and that the mass in my breast is definitely smaller. FUCKIN A BUBBA. Initially I didn't have much hope for the cancer to shrink at all, as the surgeon had said my type of cancer doesn't usually respond to chemo in that way, but hey, someone had to prove them wrong right? As always in the week before the next treatment, I have been feeling really good. The sun and I are in a constant battle and I over did it the other day by going a little farther than i usually go, to take Jake up to Riverdale farm to meet some friends and then had to navigate the the walk home in scorching high noon type heat. I couldn't cool down and I was bleary and sweaty and nauseous. Oh well. Lesson learned.
It's funny, since my diagnosis, a few people have come forward to apologize for not reaching out right away, or not really responding to all of this. What I have to say about that is this: I love each and every one of you. Just because I'm going through something and decided to share, does not mean you have to do anything. Doing what you want to do or can do is just fine, even if it means you sit on your bed and have a cry for me but don't tell me, or decide there's to much going on for you right now and a heart text is all you've got. I'm not expecting anything. I just wanted to blog so that you guys wouldn't worry and you would know when I wasn't feeling great so that if you wanted to you could reach out at the right time.And also read about the good days! like this one!!

So. I'm almost halfway. I know I keep chanting this mantra, but it's keeping me going. This whole shrinking tumor thing is a bit of a game changer in my mind though. It could mean a less hardcore surgery/reconstruction later. It makes me feel like I chose the right path, like there's a point to doing all this. There are still things to be watchful for, neuropathy for one. That is nerve damage from the Taxotere, which consists of aching and pain, numbness and tingling in fingers and toes. The Doctor says I have a 50/60 percent chance of developing this, and that it is usually mild and manageable. The other ladies in my support group say, hydrate insanely, have good pain killers, rest and eat. So I'm going to work on that. I don't have as much fear about any of it right now, simply because of my check up results today. I feel a teeny bit teflon. (knock on wood, sacrafice a small animal, spit out some rum) and I feel that because my body had been so good so far, that I wont have any serious problems down the road. Here's hoping. Thank you again for all of the love. My next treatment is Monday the 24th at 1:30 if you want to say hi! Take care of eachother. J

Almost Halfway....

Well this past week or so has been an lovely blur of cottages and summer fun. I didn’t have too much trouble with the sun, this time around I wore enough sunscreen that had I actually become a vampire, I would have survived.  A very large hat is really the thing. So even though I looked like a pasty redneck (the large hat is a Canada day special, straw cowboy hat replete with red trim ), I won. I even went for a swim in the lake and it was glorious. Until I jumped in the water, I hadn’t realized how precious I was treating myself, I unfurled in the waves like a long lost mermaid and instantly my body felt good. I swam and dove and splashed and most of all laughed in joy. I’m still me. Th only draw back to all of this lovely distraction, is now I only have 10 days until my next treatment. I get nauseous  just thinking about going back into the hospital and sitting in that chair. I now have an adverse reaction to the smell of alcohol wipes from giving myself all the injections of neupogen, but I’m becoming a pro at it! I have had some of the bone aching this time around as well, but not until the last three injections and Aleve + heating pad seems to do the trick. My hair continues to disappear, I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes, but my armpits are smooth, and, *cough*, down there is thinning out as well.

When we get home I’m going to shave my head right down to the skin as it is patchy stubble and, I am thinking of getting a Henna Crown!. This salon in Toronto that does hair and henna parties, does a special treatment for ladies who suffer from alopecia or are in treatment for cancer and have lost their hair, it’s beautiful. The young woman will come to your house or visit you in the hospital and spend an hour and a half with you decorating your bald scalp with beautiful Lotus designs or Peonies or Buddhist symbols, whatever you choose. It lasts about 10 days...
     Ok time for the mental check in. I’ve been much better since my last blog post and that few dark days I had. I feel optimistic again, and I recognize, now that I’ve done this twice, that that is how it goes. You go for your treatment, you feel like shit, you wonder how the fuck your going to get through however many more you have, you go dark, you feel better, you eat some really yummy food, you feel better, you have hope.

It's funny, I've recently had this this thought that pregnancy really prepared me for chemo. Weird right? I had a really easy pregnancy, besides some heartburn and some hip tendon aches at night, I really sailed right through. But I did not like being pregnant. It felt really strange to have something inside of me that was alive. I had nausea most days until about 1pm, in my first trimester, so I learned how to assuage it and how to function. dealing with the unknown on a daily basis in regards to my body became the norm, and that's how I feel right now. I don't like what's happening to me, but I have no choice. I feel calm about it. I've had to gather strength from this part of me before, the deep part of me, the primal protective part. It's strong, it's not going to let me fail. I've got this....
Thank you to everyone for reading, thank you for sending cards and treats, they really help. One week to go until I AM HALFWAY!!! Monday July 24th 1:30. Wish me luck. Love you guys. J