Wednesday, June 21

And the Days Roll On...

      So it's Wednesday today, and since Sunday the days have been fairly normal except a few things. I've managed to stay out of the sun so I don't feel so crazy when I walk outside. So that's good. I haven't been too tired to go swimming with Jake so that's good too, and he has figured out how to swim underwater!! of course in the water in a regular way, well that's another story. Some mornings when "we" wake up too early for mommy to function without and extra large coffee, Jake watches a show on my computer and I watch re runs of "Bones". It's not the greatest show to watch around a three year old, but yesterday, I did it. There was a mummy on the table and Bones was examining it  and there was a hole in the torso above the heart. I didn't think much of it until Jake looked up from the computer and said "look Mommy the lady has a hurt in her chest just like you"....devastated...I didn't really know how much he has been hearing these days regarding my diagnosis, but obviously more than I thought. I haven't been keeping things a secret per se, but I've been careful to use language appropriate for a three year old, and until I am showing signs of my treatment, I'm not really explaining what's going on. But they hear stuff, and they can sense it. This morning at 430 am I woke up sore in my bones, the kind of sore that you feel when you've been in bed too long and your back feels screwed up. So I took my temperature (to make sure I didn't have a fever, as this is the first sign I'm getting an infection) and took some tylenol. But it didn't really go away, the deep ache is in my hips, lower back, pelvis and all the way up to about the middle of my ribs. It feels like all my joints are loose. I checked my booklet and the internet and they both say this is typical for neupogen treatment. yay. I was a cranky jerk all day. I"m not good at being gracious when I'm uncomfortable, it something I should work on I guess in my current state of life. I have a feeling I'm going to be more uncomfortable than comfortable for a while. The tylenol and advil aren't really working but I don't have anything stronger right now. The heating pad helps.  I'm ok though..Jake and I are going to our friends cottage for four days of fun. I get pampered up there, good food, lots of distractions for the boy (which means I might actually get to read a book!!! or sleep!!!) and some much needed nature time. Can't wait. Until then. J.

Sunday, June 18

Sunday Check in.

It's Sunday today and I've woken up to some serious dizzy....Let me backtrack.... This week has been really much better than I expected, I have been feeling 80 to 90%, with few side effects YYAAYY! I've been eating more, smaller meals and trying to eat well. It's hard though, I feel hungry a lot. And my energy had been sporatic, low for a while then a sudden burst of normal. Chemo, for me, sort of feels like a hangover you can't quite kick. That feeling in your stomach that says extra large cheeseburger with fries, but the slight nausea that makes you wonder if you would hurl even if you ate a cracker. I've been drinking Kombucha for the first time, which is AMAZING!! The particular kind I'm swilling is a black tea, ginger combo that makes my tummy feel awesome and gives me a little pick me up. I'm thinking about Scobies in a whole new light, lol. B has been amazing through this week, taking us on outings in Anya (yes, my car IS named after a certain Vengeance Demon), to get me out of my head.

Here is our wondermobile,

I'm posting a photo because I've never had a new car ever , and on the last few really hot days when I was climbing the walls to get out but was too hot and sensitive to the sun to leave the house and the baby needed to nap, we climbed in and took off and I literally felt like it saved my life.....Satellite radio, AC and a low rumble that makes your bones purr can cure almost anything, did I mention AC?!! One day we went out to COSTCO to do all that business, and the next day we drove to Mississauga, to the Dairy Creme to have a celebratory banana split (this is an annual pilgrimage, and a newcomer right of passage, so be warned if you come to visit!!)  On top of nausea and eating things, I have become quite sensitive to the sun, which they told me would happen, but I just love the sun soooooo much, I did push the limits. Twice I've had to call B to come get me out of the little bit of shade I found at the park, hiding and sweating like a hostage in a bad hotel room with no ice. (maybe I shouldn't try and write more creatively, I can't tell if that was a cheesy analogy or not, I have been watching a lot of Burn Notice lately, so forgive me).
..... Just to even out the eye candy photo's.......
...So I haven't really touched on the mental stuff I've been going through so far. It of course it's harder to write about. I'm scared. I am hopeful and  positive that this will turn out for the best possible outcome and I've been told by various medical experts that this will be so, but fuck is this ever terrifying. I have this condition you see, called "The Hamster", I tend to internalize my thoughts and feelings a little bit and when I get triggered or have a bad day, sometimes I disappear, and the Hamster gets on his little wheel and goes to town, off on a train of thought that goes around and around usually surrounding things I wished I hadn't done or things I did to people I wished I could take back, all of that useless stuff that makes you anxious but you don't really have any control over. They say that kind of worry can give you cancer HAH. see what I did there?....anyway, that's why the car trips have been good, the hamster gets derailed.
My mom sent me this amazing book, I highly recommend it, it's called Stumbling Towards Enlightenment an illustrated guide. It really appeals to the artist in me and really shows you how many phases of being in crisis mode there is! It helped me identify what I was feeling and it helped me ground. It's the worst when Jake is asking me to do something and I feel like it's going to take everything to do it. Or late at night when the world is quiet, and I can feel myself settling into my body a bit and I have to be aware of my right breast and what lies there. I wasn't wrong about it looking like a scorpion, it's 5 centimetres wide and almost 7 centemetres long. It doesn't hurt. and before chemo I was feeling little twinges and some pain there once in a while, but since chemo, that spot has gone dead. At least that's what it feels like. I'm glad. I know that it's not this evil outside force and its not something that has "happened" to me, it's my own cells, mutating and gettin' fancy. Stop it already alright? Sometimes the hardest part is knowing it had been there for a while, growing silently and slowly (thank Cthulu)! When did it start? why did it start? why me? 1 out of 9 of us will get some form of breast cancer. I'm not genetically predisposed to it, no one in my family has ever had it. I'm not the healthiest eater, and yes I drink (not heavily, just the regular "mom" wine amounts) but 'cmon Universe, did you have to clock me with such a large sledgehammer?.....
back to Sunday and the dizzy... I am coming up on a week into my first treatment (yay) but, this also means this is when some of the trouble can start. I have low white blood cells so I am more susceptible to infections (boo) I am giving myself injections of neupogen, which is a white blood cell booster, but there are side effects to that too. Flu symptoms, dizzy, headache. Anyway, they say to call the hospital if you have any symptoms so I did and the Doctor on call says it is probably dehydration. (yes mom, I know, I know!) so I'm drinking lots of fluids and resting as much as I can. Until next time. J.