Sunday, July 30

Halfway Blues...

Wow. This week was hard. I guess the chemo side effects are cumulative, 'cause DAMMNN. I have been feeling nauseous and exhausted since Monday. Last time it took about 4 days to recover, but not this time, boy howdy. I feel like a sack of unmotivated bloated bald shit. And today (Sunday) I am pissed off and sad all at the same time, which really makes for a lovely day. Some of you know about (and took part in) the type of therapy I did, which is a mix of Gestalt and Primal Scream (perhaps a post for another day?), and I tell you I really feel like going up to the bat and tearing Cancer a new asshole. And then crying the ugly cry so hard I look like the cover of that Hole album where her makeup is running down her face.
SIGH. Ok. I'm ok. It's funny, for the whole week I felt like I didn't have anything I wanted to say and today I am all over the place with the things. I never really thought about it, but it makes sense that I would have a harder time this time around, seeing as how I don't have an immune system now. I've just been feeling like I have an epic hangover that I can't shake. The best thing that has happened this week is our friend L took Jake to her cottage on Friday, so  we got to have a child free couple of days, where I could relax and sleep and eat and let my guard down a bit. I hadn't realized I was doing it but I've been working hard to maintain a "normal" persona around Jake and it's exhausting. I mean I'm not pretending anything, I tell him I'm a little tired today or I'm not feeling well, but I'm trying to keep the worry off my face and give him extra squeezes.
You know what? I'm just sick of it. Sick of the appointments, sick of the fear, the malaise, sick of the blurghy tummy that has now started to bloat and make me feel like a whale. I hate that I hate the heat and the sun. They used to be my friends and now I am hiding and laying low dreaming of white sandy beaches and coconut water and hammocks. like a Moorlock. Yes, I just dated myself there.
And yet. I look in the mirror and the person there is Me. The Me I've known before. The Me that whispers "There, there. You are not alone. You have Me. And We are going to kick this things ass, and go out in the sun and lie in that hammock. Boob or no boob, but not now. Now you have a more important job to do. You can do this. will do this. have to do this."
I've started doing that thing where you look at photos of yourself from years ago and look at the happy on my face and think "She has no idea whats coming" If you had told the 20 year old me I would hook up with an old flame after 20+ years, move across the country, have a baby and then battle cancer I would have laughed at you and jumped back up on my speaker to finish my (shout out to Scandals days).....So yeah, that's me at the halfway point. I hope everyone is having a good week and thank you again for the cards and letters, I love them. This came in the mail last week, it my favorite thing ever.
Take care of yourselves and each other. J.