Thursday, August 14

The Beginnings...

When I was growing up, I never really thought I would have a child myself. I was not one of those little girls that dreamed of growing up, getting married and having a family.

When I was very small and until about age three, me and my Mom were alone. We lived on Cortez Island in a little cedar truck house and it is here that my ideas about family and home were first formed. There wasn't really a Dad, there wasn't really too much structure in that sense. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it wasn't a great way to spend my early years, but I think there was an impermanence to my idea of home and for sure was missing the Daddy component. Then we met Ed, and he is who I now lovingly call Dad today.. We became a trifecta, and it took almost two years for me to take him seriously as a father figure, let alone a person who wasn't going to leave. I literally didn't speak to him directly for over a year! (Sorry Dad).

As I grew older, I never really felt like enough of an adult to really seriously consider having kids. I mean the biological clock and I were having some serious conversations, but I never felt ready.  When I envisioned Motherhood I always pictured me, doing it on my own. It's not that I thought there wasn't someone out there who would do it with me, I just had deeply ingrained in me from childhood, that men are transient and the women are doing things with or without them.

Enter the therapy years....I have spent about 8 years working very hard on my "stuff" and trying to figure out who I really am, how I really feel about things and why, and most importantly healing the wounds from my past that hindered my growth into a happy adult. There are some pretty dark corners in my psyche that I choose not to get into here but let's just say, I now have an advanced degree in exorcism! Therapy changed my ideas about what a family can look like and how I felt about my capability as a Mother, and for that I am grateful. It also allowed me to forge a deep, trusting and lasting relationship with my partner now. Don't get me wrong, a relationship is always changing and it is work, but 90% of it is showing up right? So I showed up. And things happened.

Admittedly, this is a very truncated version of my life up to now, but I wanted you to have a sense of where I came from before I got into 'baby' part of my life and how i got there. Talk to you soon.

1 comment:

Patricia leroux said...

Good for you my darling girl. You know your truth and speak it wisely.