Ready Set Go....

                                          (illustration by Raffi Anderian)


Ok, yesterday I got the results of my CT scan (chest, thorax, abdomen) and it looks like my cancer has not metastasized! YYYAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! this waiting for the tests, and then having the tests and then the waiting for the results gig really sucks. I have given up most coffee as my anxiety level had been very high lately. For a few reasons (obviously). When I was first diagnosed, and the doctor only had my ultrasound and my mammogram to look at, he suggested I would have a lumpectomy first, then chemo, then radiation. My bone scan came back clean, so I was stoked, it hadn't spread there. Then  I had my MRI which wasn't as scary as the scenes you see on TV, it made  that sounded to me like minimalist techno beep, beep, beep beep beeeeeeep.
There's a feature of being with Princess Margaret, they give you access to your results and appointments in a webpage called the patient portal. Now this is great and crappy at the same time. Great because you can see when all of your appointments come up, but crappy because if you get a scary test that is hard to interpret yourself, you have to wait until your doctors appointment to have it deciphered. So when I had my MRI and got my results 24 hours later, I read that everything was as we thought. then I got a call that my surgery had been cancelled and that I would be starting chemo almost right away. It turns out it is bigger than we thought 5cm wide by 6.5 cm long, up the side of my breast, they also saw 3 satellite spots than need to go and it got upgraded to stage 2/3. (which means it hasn't spread(stage 3) but because of my lymph node and the size it's close) I was pretty upset. Needless to say, the surgeon suggested a mastectomy instead of lumpectomy. I agree.
You see, invasive lobular carcinoma has a predisposition to be "fuzzy" around the edges, sort of like a childrens picture of the sun with the little offshoots or tendrils. They are notoriously difficult to remove with "clean margins" (all of it). And my surgeon said he could do his best but there might be some left that he cant see or get to. So I say cut it off. I want %100 cancer free, lets not fuck around with my life ok? So that's what that first picture up there is all about. that lovely girl has had a double mastectomy and had reconstruction and tattoos. Gorgeous right? anyway, I'm only having one taken and we will see how my skin reacts to the surgery and radiation.My next post will be less about the technical and more about how I've been feeling.

Just a side note WOW!!!!!!! I am so overwhelmed and grateful for all of your love and support! When I told the INTERTRON about what was happening to me, I had no idea how much love I would be getting from all of you so thank you so much. It really means a lot to me that you all have my back, and want to follow me in my journey. And I didn't mention this in the first post but  I love all of you too, and just the thought of you guys thinking I am strong has helped me stay strong. My BFF Casey has been communicating with me through Whatsapp, leaving voice messages and sending pictures, then I get to reply. It's sort of like a conversation but on your own time. If any of you Victoria peeps would like to do that you should download it to your phones!! it's nice to hear the day to day from others it makes me feel like we are sitting and having a cup of tea on a cozy afternoon. Love you.

The Next Chapter...

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news folks, but life has decided to throw me another curve ball. I have been diagnosed with breast cancer.  Invasive lobular carcinoma to be exact.
                                                       Around April 18th of this year as I was lying on the floor of my son's room, in the dark, waiting for him to FINALLY fall asleep, I decided to do a quick feel of the boobies as the right one didn't feel "right". I know it sounds weird, I didn't have any pain or any other sign that something was there, but I just had a sense of it. I was right. Deep in the tissue at about the 8 o'clock position on my right breast, there was a spot that was harder than the rest. It freaked me out, but I went to my GP right away and she sent me for a mammogram ( my first, and boy howdy was that uncomfortable!) as well as an ultrasound. They came back about three days later, as suspicious.
I have to give kudos to my amazing GP, she does not mess around! She referred me to the rapid diagnostic centre at Princess Margaret Cancer Hospital link here...they are one of the best in the world for breast cancer detection, treatment and care. I had a core biopsy and a needle aspiration of my lymph nodes on a Friday, I had the results Tuesday. the C word.
 So the good news is, my cancer is hormone positive, but her2 negative. What that means essentially is that with hormone therapy treatment after chemo, surgery and radiation, the statistics are great. I have the second most common form of breast cancer,  invasive lobular carcinoma. just a side note, it's been really interesting seeing inside my body. I mean you don't really ever get the chance right? Well I had a bone scan and saw my skeleton, and my MRI showed me my large veins and heart, and my mammogram showed me the cancer, it was strangely beautiful. The mammogram put all of the tissue in white and my cancer looked like a scorpion wrapped around my breast. Of course the news was devastating. Especially with a young child to care for, my thoughts went immediately to my family and how they would cope with this.
 I want to give a huge shout out to Miss Sarah Kramer at  http://www.blog.govegan.net/
who fought her own battle with breast cancer (and won!!)  and who has been my "breastfriend" right from the beginning. Thank you Sarah for the support and help. And of course to B who is my Rock. I will continue on with my story up to now, in a second blog post as I have a CT of my thorax, abdomen, and bowel tonight (to make sure it hasn't metastasized ) and I can't eat after 4, so I'm going to go eat, eat, eat!!

And the Years Passed...

Ok so there were some adventures between then and now of course but they don't really serve the purpose of our baby story. I moved in 2010, our story picks up in 2013...

B and I never really had "the talk" about wether we wanted to have kids or not but the time limit of my current IUD was about to expire and we had to at least talk about what we wanted to do regarding birth control. I don't remember the exact conversation, but we ended up agreeing to not use any form of birth control and see what happens. Now, in retrospect, this seems like a dumb move, I mean see what happens? we all know what happens when you do that!!! But, I was 40, and my cycle had gotten a hell of a lot shorter in the last few years, and I truthfully thought it could be possible that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant.....a year rolled by...and one day in July, I was riding my bike to work and I got doored and thrown into the road at College and Yonge.
Fortunately, I was not badly hurt. I was wearing a helmet, which really saved me ( it's not mandatory here in T.O. but every time I took my bike out I could hear my Dad's voice in my head telling me to wear it) and I walked away with minor bruises and a sore neck and back. Not really sore enough to go to the doctor right away, but that following weekend I was feeling under the weather,stiff and achy and then I realized I had missed my period. This was not uncommon in my menstrual history, I had missed a few over the years due to stress and whatnot, hell, even a Christmas had caused me so much stress I missed one!  But just to be sure that Sunday I bought a test at the drug store and took it. It was a very very faint positive, so I thought I should go to the doctor to confirm as well as get checked out from my crash. B was away, so it didn't really feel real, as I didn't have to share my concerns and my test with anyone, and I managed to stay in my little bubble of denial for the next day or two by watching a CSI marathon an drinking ginger ale. I went to the Doctor on Monday and as I was sitting there getting checked for injury, I casually mentioned I wanted a blood test to confirm or deny a pregnancy. I explained to her about the faint positive. She laughed and informed me that you cannot, in fact, have a false positive on the pee test, only a false negative because the hormone they test for only shows up when your pregnant. Duh!
I had no idea I would feel the way I did. You see, somehow in my mind all this time we weren't using birth control, and the fact that it was more than a year later, had somehow lulled me into a false sense of security, like if it hadn't happened now, it probably wouldn't. I had come to accept that me  and B would would carry on being  me and B, and that was fine. I liked our life, it wasn't like I was searching for the next thing, or feeling incomplete, I felt, well, good about everything.
And then with the news that our lives would change forever, I was filled with a huge sense of awe and fear and joy and terror and back to joy again...
I wandered out into the street after my Doctor and I chatted and set up some tests, got a coffee, and then realized I shouldn't have a coffee, then wandered the streets of downtown Toronto with this stupid grin on my face.
It really surprised me how happy I was.
I then bought a 12 year old bottle of scotch for B, went home and waited for him to come home.

the Arrival...

My trip was 7 days instead of the 5 we thought it would be, there was no ac in the truck(poor hot doggies!!) and we cracked a trailer hitch crossing the Canadian Shield..fortunately K had seen a billboard for a truck stop a few miles back and had memorized the number! This guy came in a huge trailer, with every mechanical tool you can think of in it. including the arc welder we needed to fix our hitch. We pulled in to Smiths Falls and collapsed for the night. In the morning we knew the truck and trailer were not meant to go any farther, so I left all my stuff except what I could carry to the bus depot and got on the next bus to Toronto. Here ends the historical overview of how I got to where I am now. The next chapters will be the story of how my bike got me pregnant and the aftershocks of thinking about being a Mom at 41.

And On...

As we set out to drive across Canada, we were all very optimistic about how long it would take and how we would travel. Scott was in the  suv, pulling a trailer full, me and Karen were in the truck with the three dogs and pulling a second trailer. There were signs in the beginning, you know, small ones you don't notice unless looking back over the events. We didn't actually leave the day we were supposed to, I spent two days with K and S at their trailer, having sold almost everything I owned and said my tearful goodbyes to friends and family, I had tied up this part of my life and was essentially in limbo. It felt strange, a closed door at my back, a wide open one in front, full of hope, full of promise, but also so full of the unknown it was terrifying. I had done this before, this pack-up-everything-I-own-to-go-chasing-a-boy-to -another-city thing, and had never really panned out. In fact the last time I did it, it had cost me my marriage. So here I was on the brink of a new adventure, missing my folks, missing my pets about to set out on one of the biggest adventures of my life!