HOLD FAST...

This is the last stretch of the semester and I decided to stay home today. Not to avoid anything but I needed to feel like I had some control over my time. To feel the freedom of not knowing what I am going to do today. The sun is shining bright, the cherry blossoms are frosted pink and white snowflakes drifting lazily over the pavement..my boy sits on the couch across form me and not 3,000 miles away. Life is good.

I WILL BE A DIVORCEE IN TWO DAYS....

And so, I spend this saturday night drinking shiraz and listening to Primus, Frizzle fry.
Lots of people I know are going through so much these days, parents dying, new babies, old friends surfacing..I have been thinking alot about my past relationships as I am to become officially divorced after 12 years of seperation. What was my role in the failing of my marriage? could I have done something? did I try? Maybe I just didn't know what to expect, and therefore having no model on which to depend, let it fall apart. This time will be different. I can already feel it. This love has a spontaneity to it, a whimsical but intense flavor. A good mix of the old and the new.

MY LOVE FOR BOWIE WILL NEVER DIE....

So here I am in my final days as a 36 year old...these are some of the things I have learned:
1. Moms are usually right.
2. Things don't get easier, but, your life experience makes things not such a terrible surprise.
3. Love can and does re-germinate in the barren place you thought dead.
4. Getting older is not so bad.
5. You must learn to forgive others and especially yourself, no-one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, some worse than yours.
6. No Regrets.
7. At some point your body stops co-operating with you and you must learn how to eat properly and exercise.
8. You are never too old for tattoos.
9. People will think you are an adult because you look grown up, but everyone is still a kid inside.
10. Be good to yourself, you are all you've got in the end.

I USED TO DREAM I WAS A HOUSE....

When I started therapy, I used to have very vivid dreams about buildings, big, empty buildings, skyscrapers that were just the empty shell, old barns with no glass, helicopter flyby scenes of destruction, like my own private hurricane disaster area.Yesterday I got a look inside someone elses hurricane disaster area from the past and it took me right back to my own GROUND ZERO. It was a surprise, I didn't expect to open my eyes and see the total destruction I thought I had repaired, up close and personal again. It wasn't raw, I mean 9 years of Primal Scream/Gestalt does actually heal some pain, it was more the realization that no matter how far away you get from it, it will always be a part of your landscape. There is no rebuilding on this spot. There is only acceptance of what happened and a survey of new ground to break in the hopes it does not happen again, or at least if it does, your foundation will hold.

I have been dreaming of the open sky again. The idea of a road trip, a journey, anywhere. Just get in a car and go. Get on a plane and fly. It is calling me, this traveling dream. I usually get this way when I am in school and things are locked in, I am locked in to the routine and can't get out until the end...Dreams of Paris... Spain...Japan...Mexico....hot summer nights on a beach with a sparkling sky and a dreamy full moon...or a return to the frontier way of life, building a cabin with my own two hands from nothing...lovingly placing shingles on my roof and baking bread while my garden grows..spending the evenings snuggled up in a cozy bed, reading to my love by candle light...listening to the Cyotes outside howl mournful respite at the black sky.