Sunday, July 2

Another Sunday...

The last few days have been kind of up and down. I had a good check up on Friday and the Doctor was glad I haven't had too many side effects nor too much of a reaction to the chemo.  After my appointments we braved the weekend traffic to make it up to the cottage and arrived around 8:30. It's been really nice to be around family and to watch Jake with his cousins, he adores them and they love him right back. There was a huge trampoline purchase and set up yesterday that has kept all of the kids amused and exhausted. So, me...I put the picture up of Zoe Washburn from Firefly today because I love the show Firefly, and in the beginning, I identified with Zoe the most, she is strong, she is wise, she is nobody's fool and in love, she is just as strong as when sh is alone. In fact, I won a prize in an essay contest on the podcast The Signal a few years back. It was called "Why Zoe Washburn is my Han Solo" and I talked about relating more to male heroes as a child and how I didn't want to be the girl next to the hero, I wanted to BE the hero, like when me and my girlfriends played Star Wars, I was always Han Solo, and I would watch the others argue about who was Princess Leia, and be like "can we JUST get in the Milennium Falcon already?!!". Don't get me wrong Leia rocked, and she was, besides Wonder Woman, one of the few Women heroes(and dolls) I had. But, as I have changed over the years and in particular light of my journey right now, I have been feeling a bit more like this Gal
She is wild, and strong, and vulnerable. Her strength lies in her intuition and emotional landscape. She feels crazy and misunderstood and a little bit lost. (I don't feel misunderstood but the other two, sometimes yes). I feel like the strength I am drawing from River is about her ability to keep going despite all the things. The strength she seems to draw out of the very air, to fight and to keep going.
Anyway, we went to Giant Tiger to find some fun summer clothes and I made the mistake of going into the change room to try something on. Now, this is not a rant about body image or fat shaming yourself or whatever, most of the time I love myself, but you know what? sometimes, you just don't. And since I've been shedding like a huskie trapped in Florida, I've been a bit more sensitive to what the rest of my body looks like. I had taken  off my top, and stood there in my leggings and sports bra and I just sighed a huge sigh and said to myself "what the fuck happened to you?". Oh yeah, I had a baby and then  three years later I got cancer, that's what the fuck happened. I know now is the time to be the most kind I can possibly be to myself, and that now is not the time to really be worrying about weight, and I need to be kind and gentle to my psyche. But MAN not looking in a full length mirror for years at a time and eating carbs like it's the last noodle you'll ever eat, really changes your body, and it's insidious, because it's slow, and then one day you're in the change room at GT looking at a person you don't recognize that you are supposed to love, who is sick and looks nothing like the person you imagine in your head that is you.
Anyway, I got dressed and I forced myself to buy the slinky red cotton summer dress, that felt good when I put it on, and said "fuck that mirror". I felt sad for a few hours but hugs and a chat(thanks B) and a really hot bath in a clawfoot tub with salt water really did the trick. I washed my "hair" and it felt really nice to do that 'cause most of the time my scalp feels weird. I don't want to shave my head down just yet. I have registered for a class at Princess Margeret called "Healthy Eating Through Breast Cancer"  which is taught by a diatician/nutritionist, so I'm looking forward to learning how to eat a little better
To end on a positive note, I am feeling good today. I think that's the thing to try and remember, it really is day by day, and take the good when you have it. This morning when I opened my email there was a kind message from my friend Rosalind(@rosalindr ), she suffers from a form of EDS (Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) which in a nutshell means chronic pain, and ligament tissue issues which cause her to have things happen like dislocating her shoulder just by putting on her coat(!!). But she has been a wonderful support to me reaching out to talk about self care, pain management, energy conservation and #hospitalglam. What is hospital glam you say? It is this amazing movement by women who suffer from long term illnesses and not so long term, that spend and inordinate amount of time in waiting rooms or doctors offices, or hospitals that take "glam" selfies while they wait and post them on instagram with the hashtag "hospitalglam" I have joined the ranks. Bring it on. Here is an article about it. Here is Rosalinds Tumblr if you would like to learn more about her, she makes amazing jewlery and clothing, has a cheeky lovely cat and is truly awe inspiring! (hope it's ok to shamelessly promote you!!). Home today for chemo tomorrow, and then back up to the cottage for rest time. Take care of eachother and I will do my best to take care of me. Until then J.

6 comments:

Butch Kaplan said...

You Glow Jeff !!!

Patricia said...

Tear today reading your blog. You will be "you" again. I mean the you that you recognize. Actually, she has not gone anywhere, you are so wonderfully expressive. I get sad for your sad or hard times. Love you so much. Funny you would mention Zoey because I have been trying to email you the MP3 of the program your winning essay was on. I love listening to it every year or so. I will be thinking of you tomorrow - actually, is there any way that I can not be thinking of you? Nope! Never. Love to you three.

Jeff leRoux said...

Thanks Mom. I love you too.

Jeff leRoux said...

Thanks Butch!! always love that you are usually the first here!

Rosemarie Gendive said...

I keep writing things and deleting them because nothing sounds right.  So here are a few clumsy ideas that I wanted you to know in response to finding out you had to walk this particular journey, and disvovering your blog about it.

First of all, thank you for the courage of your vulnerability, and strength to go through this challenge with such honesty, and candor, and without hiding. Thank you for sharing and giving us all the opportunity to remind you how loved you are as you go through it.  Secondly, you are beautiful. You have always been beautiful because your star shines brightly from the insight out. Even cancer (or carbs) doesn't dull your brilliance. It doesnt, so eat the last noodle.  And 3rd, I love you.   It's been a while since last contact, but you are the kind of friend one keeps in their heart forever.  Some of your artwork still graces my wall, and a picture of you lives on my fridge. Sometimes a fond memory is jogged and I spy on you through social media to see how you're doing. haha. I remain delighted and inspired as ever, and I, like so many others, am pulling for you.  I wish for you and your family today a day of relative ease, and whatever comforts are available, and lots of psychic hugs. So strong and brave ♡

Rosemarie Gendive said...
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