TIME.....

This week had been interesting. Meeting family is never really easy, and thankfully B's folks are real nice. I finally started to relax around everyone enough to be myself a bit more. I don't know where I got this idea that you have to be so formal around other poeple's adults, but it is definitely detrimental to my brain being ok. I guess I revert back to being a child, and really really wanting the approval of the parental units, I mean I do feel like I am ok, and that I am worthy, and that people will like me, I just get WIGGY ok? also showing up out of nowhere, on the doorstep of the parents was not something I really thought about in advance, so it felt weird. Got hooked on ANGEL at Laura's house. She is B's best friend and DAMN She makes THE Best Cherry pie I have EVER tasted!! She and I had fun yesterday walking down by Lake Ontario, it is so big, it does actually fool me a bit into thinking I am at the ocean. No it doesn't smell the same, but there is beach and waves and endless flat horizon.Pictures to follow, at some point.....

AND SO...

I tried my hardest to fool B, but alas, it did not quite work...he was happy, don't get me wrong, who wouldn't be? but I did not get the hyperventilating, falling over OH MY GOD, that I had hoped for. I flew out Monday morning and spent most of the day on a huge plane. Probably that largest I have been on, I can't remember how big the plane to Europe was, and the messages were all announced in English, French and Mandarin, which for me, made me feel like I was in a science fiction movie about the future..cue .. WILLIAM GIBSON...or NEAL STEPHENSON...anyway, Toronto is huge and confusing, but lively and interesting, I bought a turquoise trapper hat that looks like a muppet died and landed on my head ( perfect) and we went and saw AVATAR. Woke up with a cold. Watched a cool show on Space..drinking coffee and being mellow..

MINDING THE CHILDREN

I have decided to try and make it to Cortez for Christmas and had the insane idea that someone would want to take care of my cats over Christmas just for fun...ha! I love my little monsters. I did find someone, 2 people in fact, so the image in my head of them starting to eat each other because there is no food gently fades into the past.........Bruce is the one lying down and Luccia is the one on the zebra ( fake) carpet.

THE TIDE RELEASED....

School has wound down now, I only have 3 days left. B has gone back to Toronto for Christmas, which is a two sided thing. I miss his presence, his smell, his touch. More importantly, I know now, down to a cellular level, that he loves me. I know this because the thing I miss the most is the way he looks at me. There is everything in that look, love, desire, pride, appreciation, humor, strength.
The calm has settled over me, I made it. I didn't explode ( too much) and I didn't give up. I didn't sabotage myself. Yes I did neglect my best friends for a bit, but I am good at sucking up! anyway, onward, forever onward.