TIME.....

This week had been interesting. Meeting family is never really easy, and thankfully B's folks are real nice. I finally started to relax around everyone enough to be myself a bit more. I don't know where I got this idea that you have to be so formal around other poeple's adults, but it is definitely detrimental to my brain being ok. I guess I revert back to being a child, and really really wanting the approval of the parental units, I mean I do feel like I am ok, and that I am worthy, and that people will like me, I just get WIGGY ok? also showing up out of nowhere, on the doorstep of the parents was not something I really thought about in advance, so it felt weird. Got hooked on ANGEL at Laura's house. She is B's best friend and DAMN She makes THE Best Cherry pie I have EVER tasted!! She and I had fun yesterday walking down by Lake Ontario, it is so big, it does actually fool me a bit into thinking I am at the ocean. No it doesn't smell the same, but there is beach and waves and endless flat horizon.Pictures to follow, at some point.....

AND SO...

I tried my hardest to fool B, but alas, it did not quite work...he was happy, don't get me wrong, who wouldn't be? but I did not get the hyperventilating, falling over OH MY GOD, that I had hoped for. I flew out Monday morning and spent most of the day on a huge plane. Probably that largest I have been on, I can't remember how big the plane to Europe was, and the messages were all announced in English, French and Mandarin, which for me, made me feel like I was in a science fiction movie about the future..cue .. WILLIAM GIBSON...or NEAL STEPHENSON...anyway, Toronto is huge and confusing, but lively and interesting, I bought a turquoise trapper hat that looks like a muppet died and landed on my head ( perfect) and we went and saw AVATAR. Woke up with a cold. Watched a cool show on Space..drinking coffee and being mellow..

MINDING THE CHILDREN

I have decided to try and make it to Cortez for Christmas and had the insane idea that someone would want to take care of my cats over Christmas just for fun...ha! I love my little monsters. I did find someone, 2 people in fact, so the image in my head of them starting to eat each other because there is no food gently fades into the past.........Bruce is the one lying down and Luccia is the one on the zebra ( fake) carpet.

THE TIDE RELEASED....

School has wound down now, I only have 3 days left. B has gone back to Toronto for Christmas, which is a two sided thing. I miss his presence, his smell, his touch. More importantly, I know now, down to a cellular level, that he loves me. I know this because the thing I miss the most is the way he looks at me. There is everything in that look, love, desire, pride, appreciation, humor, strength.
The calm has settled over me, I made it. I didn't explode ( too much) and I didn't give up. I didn't sabotage myself. Yes I did neglect my best friends for a bit, but I am good at sucking up! anyway, onward, forever onward.

DAY OF BLAH...

These days I feel trapped. Trapped by my routine, held fast by linear time, with no way out.....never enough time, never enough sleep, never enough money, never enough space...no choice except to keep going...chasing the falling balls I seem to be juggling madly...I want to rest. I want to sleep. I want to not worry about what to make for dinner, or what time I have to get up in the morning...I always have to be somewhere.......I realized after getting a letter from Connie that I have not even read the journal I did while I was at Nada, nor have I really thought about my time there or what experiences I had...I know I have chosen this life right now, and that in the end it is all for me, but I am trying to find the peace in this right now but it's hard...

QUIET MORNINGS....

Lately I have been feeling like life is a freight train that I can't seem to jump off of..it feels good, it feels scary and it sometimes exhausts me to the point of catatonia, but here I am, moving forward. Living with Brian has become lovely, I fear I am getting used to having him around! Trusting myself and my instincts has been a challenge, since my track record has not been that great! but for what it's worth, I am happy. I am broke. I am in love. and Life is propelling me forward, like it or not!

SO MANY THINGS....

well I have been on a whirlwind tour of my life lately.....went to Colorado and stayed in a Hermitage for two weeks alone, started my last year of school, fell in Love. I have a new computer now too which is a dream. I am planning on moving to Toronto in June of 2010, the boy if from there and I have a better chance of getting an awesome design job there, it's only a little more cutting edge than Victoria!!! ha ha ha....more later.......

MOVING FORWARD

things have been buisy and hard these past few weeks. I have been very tired.
I moved, which is great. I am still getting used to the sounds and smells of the new place...where the hell did all the huge black flies come from? was the Devil living here before and forgot to clean up the body? Being on this side of the building has been amazing..It's like a totally different building altogether! so quiet! I have been working alot and I was excepted to go to Nada in the Colorado Mountains for two weeks..I am going mid August. It should be interesting..to say the least! out there in the middle of nature with nothing but the hermatige and the wide open world.

THINGS ARE SETTLING DOWN..

I have found a cheaper place to live, just across the hall! I should say it found me. I have my wonderful Father to thank for some more financial help, so I will not suffer for my second year of school. I feel more at peace now than I have in a while. I'm o.k.

AAKKK

so this week I am feeling a little less frazzled. I am going to move July 1st, just across the hall, so something to look forward to. School is coming to a close soon and I have a trip to Seattle to look forward to. Thank God, Dad has agreed to co-sign for more credit for me to live on while I tackle my second year. I hope that I can be a little more organized this year coming up, and maybe get some more painting and art done as well as my studies.

TRYING A NEW CHAPTER

This picture of Frida Kahlo is so achingly beautiful. She is so regal and confident about herself, I find it inspiring. I am struggling for inspiration these days, having done a great painting and then started another that is not so great I can't seem to see past what it looks like now to what I could do to it to change the look. I might have to white it out and start again. SIGH. School is plodding along..I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay with the program! I do sound like I am complaining alot these days, which I hardly ever do, but I am not really right in the head right now so it has to go somewhere! It's not like I feel crazy or dramatic or anything, I just feel there is something not"RIGHT" about my life. I think that I am not patient when it comes to me and myself in regards to the fact that yeah, I have a broken heart, yeah I have had the same job for 8 years, yeah I hate my apartment and understanding what it is that I can change to help myself and my situation.

NOT A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME...

I know it has been a little while since I have written but all of my enthusiasm seems to have gone out the window. I did go to Regina for a week. I came home 3 days early. I got food poisoning and Shawn and I decided we are not going to work. I am heartbroken. I had not truely let someone in for so long I had foolishly forgotten the price for all of the highs you feel in Love! I will say that it WAS WORTH IT. It is always worth it, for if you cannot open your heart to love your heart will never open. I loved him more freely than anyone I have ever loved, I was myself with him more than I had ever been with a man. Best of all I believe he loved me back.
So, I am not moving to the Praries. I am now struggling to find good roots here again, having started to dig them up and seperate for the move, I find I am a bit lost as to where I want to be and what I am going to do......I have work ( thank God!) and I have another year of school to think about. Least of all are my worries about love...it will find me again..I can love....I am loveable....onward I go.......

5 MORE SLEEPS!

I leave on Friday morning to go to Regina for ten days! I am definitely looking forward to having a break from school and going to see my sweetie. It sounds like Matt wants to stay in the house which means having a roommate if we stay there too, which I don't mind the idea of. It's just been a while since I've had to live with anyone, let alone a boyfriend and a roomate. I don't think it will be a problem except that he has a really cool cat that will be there too and we all know Luccia and how spazzy she is. Shawn doesn't like her, and I try not to take it personally but I screwed her up as a kitten because I was so needy and I feel she really has to stay with me. I love her and she is part and parcel with me so I guess I will wait and see what happens! anyway, it's a good sign that the only thing I am worried about is cats getting along! ha ha. I hope Melissa will be able to pick me up from the airport if Shawn is working...I want to go to Weyburn anyway and it would be cool for her and me to have a visit. sigh....exams and presentations this week......

AAAKKKKK!!!

This week has gone by so quickly and so slowly at the same time! I have been really sick, not able to go to school or really do anything and it is driving me MAD. I have been going through all of my stuff and "pruning" , getting rid of stuff I don't think I really need anymore. I must admit it is a lot easier than I thought it would be! I keep flashing to when I was leaving Victoria to join Lyle in Ottawa ( 1991) and how I was trying to cram 'just one more book" into my huge already stuffed army Duffel bag that Tommy gave me. I took so much unnecessary crap with me then! I knew this only when I had to cart it all back with me later.uhg. I am still excited though. Every time I come here to blog I see the photo I have there of the wide open space and I get a thrill.....that space is calling to me to explore it...I can't wait.......

THE BEGINNING..

It's funny, I thought I had decided for sure to move later than January, but looking at my blog I realize I knew before I KNEW. Almost everyone I tell has the same reply when I tell them I am moving to Regina: WHY???????? It makes me laugh because they all have the same puzzled WTF looks on their faces.....so I asked myself why? my answer was why not? Yes, it's as cold as a Yeti's testicles there in the winter, but at least there are real seasons. The winter is the winter no matter where you are, and I would rather spend the winter with my loved one in sub-zero -death-wind than the rainy wintry thing we get here, completely alone. Yes I know I am not ALONE, alone, I have my dear friends and family, but I have had the good fortune of being touched by something I thought would never cross my path again.LOVE. Not just a capitol L but the whole freakin' word. LOVE. I am a person who is highly adaptable, I can work anywhere. I want to try a new place for a while. I need to go and explore some new life, new people, new culture. Yes there is culture in Regina, and at least there "artist" is not a dirty word! Most of all, I want to spend time with the person who makes me feel like a better version of myself, just for having him in my life. Someone who demands nothing less than being completely honest and yourself to the world, even if that means making people uncomfortable by forcing them to question their own honesty and integrity. To practice living a real life, present and accounted for.

love has lasted all this time and all this effort. maybe it's actually for real! I am moving to Saskatchewan for love in July. We shall see.....