CHANGE OF BLOG.....

After doing some thinking about how to reach more people and write about something more people will find interesting, I have decided to change my blog. I do enjoy writing about the everyday stuff in my life, but anyone can do that, and who am I to think that things in my life are that interesting to anyone else but me? I love the fact that some of my nearest and dearest read faithfully. I don't want to change that, but I want to make a difference, I want to help. I want to add something to peoples existence in a positive way. Give something back. That is why I have decided, after digging out my 12 plus journals, that I am going to write about my life as a young girl, the depression, the discovery of repressed memories about my dad molesting me, the pain, the medication, the therapy, the healing and how I got through it. If I can reach one person and let them know they are not alone, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that they are not a freak/outcast/misfit destined to try and eke out a pale existence instead of living a full and authentic life, then I will have done the world a service...it will take me some time to change the blog so I am going to keep posting regular stories about my everyday until then perhaps 2 weeks from now?

DEEP BREATHS.....

Definitely feeling better daily now. Yesterday I managed to stay in class all day and only really felt gross towards the end. I think the brain zaps are linked to visual information/ stimuli. I ran into my Doctor on my luck break and gave him the run down and he said everything sounded normal, and he congratulated me! I feel I am on the right track! When I go into the kitchen in the morning I still feel the urge to walk onto the bathroom and take my pill, so I don't forget! Old Habits...anyway, onward and upward.

OH SH#T

So this is day three...day one I felt dizzy and kind of spaced out.Nothing too major.
Day two I felt really raw and fragile, like anything would make me want to cry, and I did end up losing it in front of my teacher and leaving class early. Oh yeah, as well as the tears there was swelling rage irrational, quick and intense. Usually at nothing. Not to mention the brain zaps today that are disorienting and frustrating. I feel strangely liberated though. I know I can do this. I have done it with guidance and care from medical professionals and I feel it is the right time so I will keep going.......

OK< SO I"M FEELING BETTER....

Whew! I thought I had totally lost it there for a few days. Maybe I did. I was crippled by the lack of funds and the fear of not being able to get to Toronto when I want. I still don't really know how I am going to do it, but I have taken steps, the only steps I can. I placed an add in Craigslist for a ride share possibility, and I am going to host a house/garage sale in June to whittle down my stuff. We shall see. On a fun note, I have my cards in Zydeco now! yyyaaayy. Rae-Anne told me to bring them in and I finally got off my ass and did it! B is going to try and get back to Toronto, I think, because we don't have enough money to live together. Work has been terrible for him right now and I don't make enough for both of us. The love is strong so it's not hideous, but it would be better if we could eat what we wanted, when we wanted, and go out once in a while. Nervous about going cold turkey on Monday ( going off of Effexor)..done lots of reading and consulted with doctors. They suggested taking one every other day for a while but I chickened out, and I think I can do it if there is no more. Hey, if I can kick two serious benzodiazapines, I can kick this....

I am stressed out. I hate money. I don't know how I am going to make it East in July, I will be homeless, jobless, and broke.wheeeeeeeee