Ok. Ok. Not Really In Hell......

Hi. It's me. I'm back and I'm ok. I had a good chat with my Doctor about all the things I was feeling, and he said "when did you stop taking the Tamoxifen?" I answered "I haven't stopped yet" (cue the tears, because I was trying, really trying to deal with this medication as I had been told it was a life saver). And his reply was "well stop!" "you can stop!". Halleluyah!!!!!! He ordered a blood test to check my estrogen levels, to see where I'm at there, because if I am in menopause naturally, then there are other meds I can take. Three weeks have passed since this conversation and I have returned to normal, I don't feel crazy, I don't feel homicidal or irritated at everything/everyone all the time. Thank Fuck. I was really beginning to worry about my sanity, and my body was reacting to all the stress in the old ways and I was getting triggered about that. I was afraid there was more in my subconscious to look forward to. Things have actually bee really good these past few weeks, everything has returned to normal. my skin is looking really good and I am waking up feeling actually rested, not dreading the day, or wondering where I was going to muster the strength and patience to get through the day with my family.

So about 5 weeks ago I started to eat better. Whole foods as much as possible, little or no sugar (down to 1/2 a teaspoon in my coffee from 2 heaping) brown grains, more veg. and even thought I'm not working out (yet) I have shed 9 pounds. I feel pretty good too! I'm trying to limit my calories a bit, but mostly working on drinking the water and taking the vitamins, making good choices for my body and indulging when I need a treat. I have also started meal planning and prep on Sundays so my food and snacks are made and ready in the fridge. Next is starting some exercise, I'm thinking couch to 10k and/or strength training.

And some things have happened since I've started to get better, and I am so much more able to cope with things now that I've come through something actually serious and worthy of angst and stress. I realize now, that I used to be a bit of a drama queen, reacting strongly and taking on a lot of things or stressing out about stuff and overthinking it. Granted I still do a  bit of that, but not so much anymore. It's true what they say, "don't sweat the small stuff". I am a much calmer person now, internally. I do feel transformed by my cancer experience. I feel like I am actually alive. ALIVE!!!!! I am much less preoccupied by "what if" because my "what if" happened. And you know what? I lived. I not only lived, I got fierce, I won.

On my journey this past year, a cousin, who lives in South Africa, got in touch with me to let me know my bio dad had cancer too (lymph). And 4 days ago she told me had passed away. Now, most of you know, he was my abuser, doing that to me before the age of 2. Thankfully I was not in proximity to him for long and by three or four had a wonderful Dad, whom I adore, Ed. But the torture and trauma of this experience drove me to some pretty dark places in my early 20's and by my 30's I began to fall apart. Fortunately, I found therapy, and my people (you know who you are), and was able to come through the other side mentally and physically well. At that point that therapy was the hardest thing I'd ever been through. And even though I had let it go, I knew, because he was still alive that there might be a chance he would try to find me or make contact with me. Especially now that he has a Grandson. I didn't know until he was dead, that I was worried about that. But I was also very, very relieved. I felt something lift away.

Why did I just tell you all that? I guess because I'm learning that everything you experience makes you who you are right now, and how you react to things shapes how it affects you. The trauma as a young girl made me a fighter, strong and protective, loyal and fierce. My cancer called on these deep reserves of strength, and fortified them, calling into play my wisdom and care as an older Me. I feel very optimistic about the coming years, working on being a better artist, better friend, better partner. Most of all really stoked on being around. Love to you. Take care of each other.