I'm supposed to feel good now right? I'm supposed to feel relief and joy at not having cancer anymore right? So why do I feel like shit? Well, because Jeff, things aren't black and white, good and bad. Yes you are cancer free but guess what? they never know if they "got" everything, if there are rogue cells drifting around in your body waiting to latch on to something more important than a breast. How about bones? how about lungs? how about liver? And when exactly will it show up if it it's going to? 5 years? 10? 30?My anxiety levels are pretty high right now. Don't worry, I have taken steps, contacted the Surviorship centre at the Hospital to get in to see a councelor, called my Oncologist to talk about the Tamoxifen side effects I am feeling, 'cause baby, I am feeling crazy. The hot flashes have calmed down now, which is a relief, but the irritability and the rage over nothing has got to stop. I feel like I have a dark cloud over my head constantly, like every day I feel like the day ...just...wont...end....and I'm waiting for the day to be over, but then at the end of the day, I'm waiting for something else, I don't know what......
On the other hand, radiation went quite smoothly. It was a routine that I got used to, short of a few teary appointments when I freaked out and was POSITIVE I had lymphedema (I don't) and was feeling overwhelmed at yet another process I had to go through. My Radiologist suggested that I am quite sensitive to the Tamoxifen and that there are steps I could take to be less stressed and anxious. I am all for it. Except the leading treatment of Tamoxifen side effects is Effexor. Now for those of you who really know me, you know I had been on Effexor for upwards of 7 years, during my treatment and therapy for my "stuff" (I don't want to get into that now. I might unpack it at a later date but not today)...and it worked. I might go so far as to say it was one of the things that saved my life, it did it's job well. BUT. The coming off process was BRUTAL. I tapered off every week, slowly, as slowly as I could and I still was all over the place, I had crying bouts, I had the electric shock stuff going on in my head and lips ,my sleep was awful, it was a mess. And it took upwards of a year to do. Anyway, I have a phone call scheduled for today at 3 to talk to my Oncologist and see what he has to say about it all and if there is maybe another thing to try? I'm not sure if that is just going to mean the same thing but under another name, but I know something has got to change. I can change it.
I'm sorry this wasn't the happiest post today. Thank you for holding space for me here, and reading about my journey. I am ok. I have been pro active about getting help. I'll keep you updated when I talk to the Doctor. Love, Jeff
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