OK..I AM NOT GIVING UP..

I have decided to hang on. Keep going. All that good stuff. I believe I have something to offer and something to say. I am going to do some (more) research and regroup. I want this thing to have legs.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE...

I have been having a crisis of identity lately and have not felt like blogging. I don't know if I will continue or not. I am also not sure I really have time to blog about things these days. I am feeling like everyone has a blog, and what difference does it make if I am on here or not? I have to do it because I want to and if it makes me happy. I don't know if it does. Maybe a change of format is in order. We shall see...

A WEST COAST SUNDAY...

The rain started yesterday around suppertime and has continued into today. It is a cool reprieve from the humidity and the heat of the Toronto summer. The french doors off of my living room are open and the gentle mist wafts in. I know days like this. Days where the smell of the ocean come right in and up your nostrils. Where the green is saturated and dripping and everything feels alive. A good day to be curled up on the couch with your favorite book you've read a hundred times, safe, warm and drowsy.

WHEN THINGS START CHANGING, CHANGE FEELS GOOD

OK, so I do feel like I am constantly apologizing for not writing enough, and I know I said it was to be a twice weekly posting, Mea Culpa........Last week I went to
Galliano Island to visit my therapist and his wife (and assisting nurse) to say goodbye. At first I felt like I had so much to do in town that I didn't want to sacrifice a whole day to go over, but it turned out to be perfect. They got a new puppy, and I had a really nice conversation about life and the choices we make and what it's like to live relatively neurosis free....I say relatively because no one is completely, free I think. But at least I am no longer motivated to destructive behavior by them. I used to think I was doing no harm, when in fact I was harming myself, believing that negative inner voice, my therapist calls the "interject". It is the cumulation of all the negative feedback you got from one or either parent, whomever was you primary caregiver, all in a continuous feedback loop in your head....telling you you aren't tall enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not strong enough, not capable.

STRESS WILL NOT EAT ME ALIVE....

O.k. so this week was really maniacal. All my projects are due at school at once, I had a huge garage sale to sell off my stuff because I am moving at the end of the month, and oh yeah, did I mention I am moving at the end of the month?across the country? I
cried everyday at least twice. Thank God my CAD teacher grew up with sisters and he just talked through the tears until I could re-focus. I have learned a lot about my coping mechanisms..more importantly, that I HAVE coping mechanisms...When I was a young woman, and I thought the World owed me something, I could get almost anyone to so anything for me. I am not saying that to brag. I mean that my coping mechanism at that time in my life was to sweet talk someone else into doing my dirty work, and I though that was how the world functioned. Not here in this reality. In this reality I am responsible for everything I do and say. I trouble shoot for myself, I dig up the resources to deal with it all. I can do it. I am strong. I wasn't before. I didn't have the self confidence to look inside and find it..mostly because back then it just wasn't there.