DID I ALWAYS KNOW?

I always felt a little bit different. I was a precocious child. I demanded a lot of attention. I think if I hadn't grown up on a small island where everyone was pretty laid back, I would have been put on medication right from the get go. These things are in retrospect. I grew up a pretty good kid. Didn't skip any school until grade 11. My mom made my lunches every day until grade 10. I didn't lie. I didn't have teen sex. I was popular. I was called weird a lot, but generally was ok. Except I always felt like I was missing something. I knew some of it was because my Bio-dad was out of the picture early (more on that later) but I had a fantastic step Dad whom I had known since I was 3. Things sometimes seemed to come a little harder to me. I struggled for approval. I struggled with not looking like everyone else, and later in life (around 18) I struggled with myself. I was at war. I knew depression ran in my family. I never really considered myself depressed. Until it stopped happening once in a while and it was happening all the time. It made everything harder.I also thought life was really hard for everyone, not just me. I thought life was supposed to be a battle of wills with the Universe. I lost constantly.But I thought everyone lost. Then when I was 19 I began cutting myself.

NEW STUFF SOON!!

I have been fine tuning my ideas for this blog and I am getting really excited about starting!so here is my mission statement
1. I will post twice a week. Wednesday and Friday for now, when I move to Toronto, because of a new work schedule this might change.
2. In my articles I will try and offer links to the professionals who can help, or to websites about the subject I am writing.
3. I will NOT EVER claim to be an expert on mental health issues or coping/healing methods, I am writing about what I know from my direct experience.
4.I will always warn readers ahead of time if I think the content of specific blogs are hard to read. This is going to be no holds barred writing, so it could get messy.
5. I will always tell it like I know it. I will never lie, change facts (except maybe names) or doctor up a story for sensationalism.
5. If someone is kind enough to tell me their story or part of their story, I will never betray confidence. I will never tell anyone's secrets except my own.

CHANGE OF BLOG.....

After doing some thinking about how to reach more people and write about something more people will find interesting, I have decided to change my blog. I do enjoy writing about the everyday stuff in my life, but anyone can do that, and who am I to think that things in my life are that interesting to anyone else but me? I love the fact that some of my nearest and dearest read faithfully. I don't want to change that, but I want to make a difference, I want to help. I want to add something to peoples existence in a positive way. Give something back. That is why I have decided, after digging out my 12 plus journals, that I am going to write about my life as a young girl, the depression, the discovery of repressed memories about my dad molesting me, the pain, the medication, the therapy, the healing and how I got through it. If I can reach one person and let them know they are not alone, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that they are not a freak/outcast/misfit destined to try and eke out a pale existence instead of living a full and authentic life, then I will have done the world a service...it will take me some time to change the blog so I am going to keep posting regular stories about my everyday until then perhaps 2 weeks from now?

DEEP BREATHS.....

Definitely feeling better daily now. Yesterday I managed to stay in class all day and only really felt gross towards the end. I think the brain zaps are linked to visual information/ stimuli. I ran into my Doctor on my luck break and gave him the run down and he said everything sounded normal, and he congratulated me! I feel I am on the right track! When I go into the kitchen in the morning I still feel the urge to walk onto the bathroom and take my pill, so I don't forget! Old Habits...anyway, onward and upward.

OH SH#T

So this is day three...day one I felt dizzy and kind of spaced out.Nothing too major.
Day two I felt really raw and fragile, like anything would make me want to cry, and I did end up losing it in front of my teacher and leaving class early. Oh yeah, as well as the tears there was swelling rage irrational, quick and intense. Usually at nothing. Not to mention the brain zaps today that are disorienting and frustrating. I feel strangely liberated though. I know I can do this. I have done it with guidance and care from medical professionals and I feel it is the right time so I will keep going.......