AND SO...

I tried my hardest to fool B, but alas, it did not quite work...he was happy, don't get me wrong, who wouldn't be? but I did not get the hyperventilating, falling over OH MY GOD, that I had hoped for. I flew out Monday morning and spent most of the day on a huge plane. Probably that largest I have been on, I can't remember how big the plane to Europe was, and the messages were all announced in English, French and Mandarin, which for me, made me feel like I was in a science fiction movie about the future..cue .. WILLIAM GIBSON...or NEAL STEPHENSON...anyway, Toronto is huge and confusing, but lively and interesting, I bought a turquoise trapper hat that looks like a muppet died and landed on my head ( perfect) and we went and saw AVATAR. Woke up with a cold. Watched a cool show on Space..drinking coffee and being mellow..

MINDING THE CHILDREN

I have decided to try and make it to Cortez for Christmas and had the insane idea that someone would want to take care of my cats over Christmas just for fun...ha! I love my little monsters. I did find someone, 2 people in fact, so the image in my head of them starting to eat each other because there is no food gently fades into the past.........Bruce is the one lying down and Luccia is the one on the zebra ( fake) carpet.

THE TIDE RELEASED....

School has wound down now, I only have 3 days left. B has gone back to Toronto for Christmas, which is a two sided thing. I miss his presence, his smell, his touch. More importantly, I know now, down to a cellular level, that he loves me. I know this because the thing I miss the most is the way he looks at me. There is everything in that look, love, desire, pride, appreciation, humor, strength.
The calm has settled over me, I made it. I didn't explode ( too much) and I didn't give up. I didn't sabotage myself. Yes I did neglect my best friends for a bit, but I am good at sucking up! anyway, onward, forever onward.

DAY OF BLAH...

These days I feel trapped. Trapped by my routine, held fast by linear time, with no way out.....never enough time, never enough sleep, never enough money, never enough space...no choice except to keep going...chasing the falling balls I seem to be juggling madly...I want to rest. I want to sleep. I want to not worry about what to make for dinner, or what time I have to get up in the morning...I always have to be somewhere.......I realized after getting a letter from Connie that I have not even read the journal I did while I was at Nada, nor have I really thought about my time there or what experiences I had...I know I have chosen this life right now, and that in the end it is all for me, but I am trying to find the peace in this right now but it's hard...

QUIET MORNINGS....

Lately I have been feeling like life is a freight train that I can't seem to jump off of..it feels good, it feels scary and it sometimes exhausts me to the point of catatonia, but here I am, moving forward. Living with Brian has become lovely, I fear I am getting used to having him around! Trusting myself and my instincts has been a challenge, since my track record has not been that great! but for what it's worth, I am happy. I am broke. I am in love. and Life is propelling me forward, like it or not!