Wow. This week was hard. I guess the chemo side effects are cumulative, 'cause DAMMNN. I have been feeling nauseous and exhausted since Monday. Last time it took about 4 days to recover, but not this time, boy howdy. I feel like a sack of unmotivated bloated bald shit. And today (Sunday) I am pissed off and sad all at the same time, which really makes for a lovely day. Some of you know about (and took part in) the type of therapy I did, which is a mix of Gestalt and Primal Scream (perhaps a post for another day?), and I tell you I really feel like going up to the bat and tearing Cancer a new asshole. And then crying the ugly cry so hard I look like the cover of that Hole album where her makeup is running down her face.
SIGH. Ok. I'm ok. It's funny, for the whole week I felt like I didn't have anything I wanted to say and today I am all over the place with the things. I never really thought about it, but it makes sense that I would have a harder time this time around, seeing as how I don't have an immune system now. I've just been feeling like I have an epic hangover that I can't shake. The best thing that has happened this week is our friend L took Jake to her cottage on Friday, so we got to have a child free couple of days, where I could relax and sleep and eat and let my guard down a bit. I hadn't realized I was doing it but I've been working hard to maintain a "normal" persona around Jake and it's exhausting. I mean I'm not pretending anything, I tell him I'm a little tired today or I'm not feeling well, but I'm trying to keep the worry off my face and give him extra squeezes.
You know what? I'm just sick of it. Sick of the appointments, sick of the fear, the malaise, sick of the blurghy tummy that has now started to bloat and make me feel like a whale. I hate that I hate the heat and the sun. They used to be my friends and now I am hiding and laying low dreaming of white sandy beaches and coconut water and hammocks. like a Moorlock. Yes, I just dated myself there.
And yet. I look in the mirror and the person there is Me. The Me I've known before. The Me that whispers "There, there. You are not alone. You have Me. And We are going to kick this things ass, and go out in the sun and lie in that hammock. Boob or no boob, but not now. Now you have a more important job to do. You can do this. will do this.
have to do this."
I've started doing that thing where you look at photos of yourself from years ago and look at the happy on my face and think "She has no idea whats coming" If you had told the 20 year old me I would hook up with an old flame after 20+ years, move across the country, have a baby and then battle cancer I would have laughed at you and jumped back up on my speaker to finish my shift...lol. (shout out to Scandals days).....So yeah, that's me at the halfway point. I hope everyone is having a good week and thank you again for the cards and letters, I love them. This came in the mail last week, it my favorite thing ever.
Take care of yourselves and each other. J.
4 comments:
Cumulative makes sense. Unfortunately. But you still got this. Tomorrow will be better than today, and in a few weeks you'll be through it, and you'll look back on this as one of those survivors that we are all in a little awe of, who kicked ass and persevered.
Then years from now 12 year old Jake will be curious about the cancer and you'll show him this blog and reread it yourself for the first time in ages, and it'll all seem so far behind you.
I don't know what to say today. You constantly amaze me. You are growing wiser every day too. There is no question that you will get through this and be yourself again for more time than it feels like now. So much is out of your control. Chaotic. It could be a good time to tighten the reigns on food. Lots of veggies and fresh salads. Protein at every meal. Cut down on the processed (but yummy) stuff. I sound like a mom, oh wait, I am your mom. LOL I say this because I remember at a time when all was chaotic for me I was kick ass at sticking with the Zone! It feels good to control something. But yeah, it takes energy and I get it that you just don't have any right now. It is OK. I'm thinkin that by New Year's Day you will be recovered from surgery and be looking and feeling awesome. Put on your big girl panties, your makeup and lie around looking gorgeous!
Thank you Edd. You know, I know we always had an affection for each other and were friends, but you have really raised the friendship bar with how quickly and how diligently you have stepped up and supported me. I am deeply touched. Love the snapchats too! (wink)
Thank you Mom! My goal is to be finished everything by my Birthday. A big party I think. And today (Monday) is a much better day than yesterday!
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