So I am considering starting another blog. This one about hats and all things millinery. I have been in the hat business now for over 10 years, and since I am an apprentice milliner now, I thought writing about it would be fun. Maybe videos of how to, my acquisition of supplies and things to get started at home sketches and ideas for hats, links to places to buy hats etc.....need a good name though..

So this weekend we will go up to the cottage. I am really looking forward to not being in the city! it will be nice to chill out and just read. (the new David Sedaris!!) and Brian is going to cook Irish stew for us(me and Laura).....I have been kickboxing for about two weeks now and I love it. Looking forward to some house related projects next weekend too..a new dresser (old) that is art deco needs refinishing and I am going to splurge on a bed frame at Ikea I think.

my living room. Turkey day was great. We went to Brian's parents house and stuffed ourselves silly( and did the laundry!) Sunday's were meant for this. Today is a relaxing day, of course I do plan on washing the floors and going through my clothes too. At least with the leftovers, I wont have to cook today!

A NEW PERSPECTIVE....

Well it's another cloudy Sunday at home. The new stove has been working wonders on my house self asteem. I have made cookies and banana bread so far. The Big City Life is going ok. I like Toronto. I am feeling pretty lonley though. Don't get me wrong, I love my man and my home but I do need to make some new friends soon. The girls at work are warm and friendly and that helps a lot, but there is something to be said for being in the presence of someone who has known you for years. There is less pressure, more freedom of speech and a relaxedness(sp) that comes with knowing them too. I miss Ange. She has been the woman who has known me inside and out for 20+ years now.

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OK..I AM NOT GIVING UP..

I have decided to hang on. Keep going. All that good stuff. I believe I have something to offer and something to say. I am going to do some (more) research and regroup. I want this thing to have legs.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE...

I have been having a crisis of identity lately and have not felt like blogging. I don't know if I will continue or not. I am also not sure I really have time to blog about things these days. I am feeling like everyone has a blog, and what difference does it make if I am on here or not? I have to do it because I want to and if it makes me happy. I don't know if it does. Maybe a change of format is in order. We shall see...

A WEST COAST SUNDAY...

The rain started yesterday around suppertime and has continued into today. It is a cool reprieve from the humidity and the heat of the Toronto summer. The french doors off of my living room are open and the gentle mist wafts in. I know days like this. Days where the smell of the ocean come right in and up your nostrils. Where the green is saturated and dripping and everything feels alive. A good day to be curled up on the couch with your favorite book you've read a hundred times, safe, warm and drowsy.

WHEN THINGS START CHANGING, CHANGE FEELS GOOD

OK, so I do feel like I am constantly apologizing for not writing enough, and I know I said it was to be a twice weekly posting, Mea Culpa........Last week I went to
Galliano Island to visit my therapist and his wife (and assisting nurse) to say goodbye. At first I felt like I had so much to do in town that I didn't want to sacrifice a whole day to go over, but it turned out to be perfect. They got a new puppy, and I had a really nice conversation about life and the choices we make and what it's like to live relatively neurosis free....I say relatively because no one is completely, free I think. But at least I am no longer motivated to destructive behavior by them. I used to think I was doing no harm, when in fact I was harming myself, believing that negative inner voice, my therapist calls the "interject". It is the cumulation of all the negative feedback you got from one or either parent, whomever was you primary caregiver, all in a continuous feedback loop in your head....telling you you aren't tall enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not strong enough, not capable.

STRESS WILL NOT EAT ME ALIVE....

O.k. so this week was really maniacal. All my projects are due at school at once, I had a huge garage sale to sell off my stuff because I am moving at the end of the month, and oh yeah, did I mention I am moving at the end of the month?across the country? I
cried everyday at least twice. Thank God my CAD teacher grew up with sisters and he just talked through the tears until I could re-focus. I have learned a lot about my coping mechanisms..more importantly, that I HAVE coping mechanisms...When I was a young woman, and I thought the World owed me something, I could get almost anyone to so anything for me. I am not saying that to brag. I mean that my coping mechanism at that time in my life was to sweet talk someone else into doing my dirty work, and I though that was how the world functioned. Not here in this reality. In this reality I am responsible for everything I do and say. I trouble shoot for myself, I dig up the resources to deal with it all. I can do it. I am strong. I wasn't before. I didn't have the self confidence to look inside and find it..mostly because back then it just wasn't there.

STRESS LEVELS THROUGH THE ROOF...

So I am a terrible person. I have not been keeping my commitment to my blog. It's hard to do when it doesn't seem to make a difference wether I write or not. It does make me feel better. I do get to say things I want. I guess I need to take a break. My life is crazy right now, I have two weeks left of school, I am selling everything I own, I need to fly my cats to Toronto, I have to pack everything else, do a change of address, so many things.....so I will take a break from blogging. Thanks for reading..

OK,OK...

So I have been terrible about writing my blog this past couple of weeks....I guess I bit off a bit more than I can chew right now...the end of school is nearing and I am moving to a new city so what I am going to do now is write once a week and see how that goes.

DID I ALWAYS KNOW? PART2

Bear with me as I try and condense a complex story into a tiny article! I definitely need to write longer pieces so there is more explanation of things I would also like to say that my early life was not all doom and gloom. I grew up fairly happy. I lived on the beach all summer with my dog, I had friends..it was only when I reached my late teens early 20's when I began feeling really different and struggled with identity and struggled with finding my path in life.

DID I ALWAYS KNOW?

I always felt a little bit different. I was a precocious child. I demanded a lot of attention. I think if I hadn't grown up on a small island where everyone was pretty laid back, I would have been put on medication right from the get go. These things are in retrospect. I grew up a pretty good kid. Didn't skip any school until grade 11. My mom made my lunches every day until grade 10. I didn't lie. I didn't have teen sex. I was popular. I was called weird a lot, but generally was ok. Except I always felt like I was missing something. I knew some of it was because my Bio-dad was out of the picture early (more on that later) but I had a fantastic step Dad whom I had known since I was 3. Things sometimes seemed to come a little harder to me. I struggled for approval. I struggled with not looking like everyone else, and later in life (around 18) I struggled with myself. I was at war. I knew depression ran in my family. I never really considered myself depressed. Until it stopped happening once in a while and it was happening all the time. It made everything harder.I also thought life was really hard for everyone, not just me. I thought life was supposed to be a battle of wills with the Universe. I lost constantly.But I thought everyone lost. Then when I was 19 I began cutting myself.

NEW STUFF SOON!!

I have been fine tuning my ideas for this blog and I am getting really excited about starting!so here is my mission statement
1. I will post twice a week. Wednesday and Friday for now, when I move to Toronto, because of a new work schedule this might change.
2. In my articles I will try and offer links to the professionals who can help, or to websites about the subject I am writing.
3. I will NOT EVER claim to be an expert on mental health issues or coping/healing methods, I am writing about what I know from my direct experience.
4.I will always warn readers ahead of time if I think the content of specific blogs are hard to read. This is going to be no holds barred writing, so it could get messy.
5. I will always tell it like I know it. I will never lie, change facts (except maybe names) or doctor up a story for sensationalism.
5. If someone is kind enough to tell me their story or part of their story, I will never betray confidence. I will never tell anyone's secrets except my own.

CHANGE OF BLOG.....

After doing some thinking about how to reach more people and write about something more people will find interesting, I have decided to change my blog. I do enjoy writing about the everyday stuff in my life, but anyone can do that, and who am I to think that things in my life are that interesting to anyone else but me? I love the fact that some of my nearest and dearest read faithfully. I don't want to change that, but I want to make a difference, I want to help. I want to add something to peoples existence in a positive way. Give something back. That is why I have decided, after digging out my 12 plus journals, that I am going to write about my life as a young girl, the depression, the discovery of repressed memories about my dad molesting me, the pain, the medication, the therapy, the healing and how I got through it. If I can reach one person and let them know they are not alone, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that they are not a freak/outcast/misfit destined to try and eke out a pale existence instead of living a full and authentic life, then I will have done the world a service...it will take me some time to change the blog so I am going to keep posting regular stories about my everyday until then perhaps 2 weeks from now?

DEEP BREATHS.....

Definitely feeling better daily now. Yesterday I managed to stay in class all day and only really felt gross towards the end. I think the brain zaps are linked to visual information/ stimuli. I ran into my Doctor on my luck break and gave him the run down and he said everything sounded normal, and he congratulated me! I feel I am on the right track! When I go into the kitchen in the morning I still feel the urge to walk onto the bathroom and take my pill, so I don't forget! Old Habits...anyway, onward and upward.

OH SH#T

So this is day three...day one I felt dizzy and kind of spaced out.Nothing too major.
Day two I felt really raw and fragile, like anything would make me want to cry, and I did end up losing it in front of my teacher and leaving class early. Oh yeah, as well as the tears there was swelling rage irrational, quick and intense. Usually at nothing. Not to mention the brain zaps today that are disorienting and frustrating. I feel strangely liberated though. I know I can do this. I have done it with guidance and care from medical professionals and I feel it is the right time so I will keep going.......

OK< SO I"M FEELING BETTER....

Whew! I thought I had totally lost it there for a few days. Maybe I did. I was crippled by the lack of funds and the fear of not being able to get to Toronto when I want. I still don't really know how I am going to do it, but I have taken steps, the only steps I can. I placed an add in Craigslist for a ride share possibility, and I am going to host a house/garage sale in June to whittle down my stuff. We shall see. On a fun note, I have my cards in Zydeco now! yyyaaayy. Rae-Anne told me to bring them in and I finally got off my ass and did it! B is going to try and get back to Toronto, I think, because we don't have enough money to live together. Work has been terrible for him right now and I don't make enough for both of us. The love is strong so it's not hideous, but it would be better if we could eat what we wanted, when we wanted, and go out once in a while. Nervous about going cold turkey on Monday ( going off of Effexor)..done lots of reading and consulted with doctors. They suggested taking one every other day for a while but I chickened out, and I think I can do it if there is no more. Hey, if I can kick two serious benzodiazapines, I can kick this....

I am stressed out. I hate money. I don't know how I am going to make it East in July, I will be homeless, jobless, and broke.wheeeeeeeee

COLD SEASON...IN APRIL?

ALMOST THERE...

There are no words to express the relief I feel, having finally completed my Gantt chart!!LOL. I am bout to take my final exam in Project Management and then I am two days away from being free!! going with B on the train Tuesday to Hornby Island to visit a dear friend....can't wait.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO STUCK IN A LITTLE ROOM?

Well, all these years I thought it could never happen to me again. I was in control tight, tight control. Letting only a little out at a time. Only letting out as much as I could handle at a time. No risks. No challenges. Safe. Choosing who, when , what. Now all of that is out the window. It overcame me like a swell in the ocean. One that looks small as it approaches and then takes you over and sweeps you out into the deep, with a smile on your face. LOVE. Not the fairy princess type of love, or the happily ever after. Real, gritty Love. When just looking at him gives you an adrenaline rush. Drinkin' wine at home into the wee hours, listening to all the music you forgot you owned. Watchin' all the movies you forgot you loved. Just being.

WHO TOLD US THAT?.......

It's funny, I have spent 9 years actively trying to improve my life and get what I want/need out of it and I feel guilty for feeling that things are right. I have trouble telling people I am having a good life and that I am not too worried about things right now. you see I even qualify with a "right now". I am doing what I want to do with my life, I am with the man I want to be with and love. I am not starving, struggling or angry. Most days I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. It's going to be good.

FERAL CHILD......

Every so often I get obsessed about a subject and I have to learn everything there is to know about it. This has been going on for years in my brain and I have come to know it as something good, a desire to learn, a need to understand.My newest thing is this girl named Genie who was found in the early 70's in her family home confined to one room and tied to a potty chair. She had been there for 12 years. She couldn't talk. She could barley walk....there are sop many stories like this it makes my heart hurt. I was shocked at how many ....FeralChildren.com... I have decided to do portraits of some of these children, I am fascinated by them..their resilience, their pain.....

HOLD FAST...

This is the last stretch of the semester and I decided to stay home today. Not to avoid anything but I needed to feel like I had some control over my time. To feel the freedom of not knowing what I am going to do today. The sun is shining bright, the cherry blossoms are frosted pink and white snowflakes drifting lazily over the pavement..my boy sits on the couch across form me and not 3,000 miles away. Life is good.

I WILL BE A DIVORCEE IN TWO DAYS....

And so, I spend this saturday night drinking shiraz and listening to Primus, Frizzle fry.
Lots of people I know are going through so much these days, parents dying, new babies, old friends surfacing..I have been thinking alot about my past relationships as I am to become officially divorced after 12 years of seperation. What was my role in the failing of my marriage? could I have done something? did I try? Maybe I just didn't know what to expect, and therefore having no model on which to depend, let it fall apart. This time will be different. I can already feel it. This love has a spontaneity to it, a whimsical but intense flavor. A good mix of the old and the new.

MY LOVE FOR BOWIE WILL NEVER DIE....

So here I am in my final days as a 36 year old...these are some of the things I have learned:
1. Moms are usually right.
2. Things don't get easier, but, your life experience makes things not such a terrible surprise.
3. Love can and does re-germinate in the barren place you thought dead.
4. Getting older is not so bad.
5. You must learn to forgive others and especially yourself, no-one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, some worse than yours.
6. No Regrets.
7. At some point your body stops co-operating with you and you must learn how to eat properly and exercise.
8. You are never too old for tattoos.
9. People will think you are an adult because you look grown up, but everyone is still a kid inside.
10. Be good to yourself, you are all you've got in the end.

I USED TO DREAM I WAS A HOUSE....

When I started therapy, I used to have very vivid dreams about buildings, big, empty buildings, skyscrapers that were just the empty shell, old barns with no glass, helicopter flyby scenes of destruction, like my own private hurricane disaster area.Yesterday I got a look inside someone elses hurricane disaster area from the past and it took me right back to my own GROUND ZERO. It was a surprise, I didn't expect to open my eyes and see the total destruction I thought I had repaired, up close and personal again. It wasn't raw, I mean 9 years of Primal Scream/Gestalt does actually heal some pain, it was more the realization that no matter how far away you get from it, it will always be a part of your landscape. There is no rebuilding on this spot. There is only acceptance of what happened and a survey of new ground to break in the hopes it does not happen again, or at least if it does, your foundation will hold.

I have been dreaming of the open sky again. The idea of a road trip, a journey, anywhere. Just get in a car and go. Get on a plane and fly. It is calling me, this traveling dream. I usually get this way when I am in school and things are locked in, I am locked in to the routine and can't get out until the end...Dreams of Paris... Spain...Japan...Mexico....hot summer nights on a beach with a sparkling sky and a dreamy full moon...or a return to the frontier way of life, building a cabin with my own two hands from nothing...lovingly placing shingles on my roof and baking bread while my garden grows..spending the evenings snuggled up in a cozy bed, reading to my love by candle light...listening to the Cyotes outside howl mournful respite at the black sky.

So...today has been a mix of emotions..I got to sleep in a little this morning (8:30) and much to my surprise Godzilla, my upstairs neighbor, didn't wake me at 7am tromping from his bed to the bathroom and back a million times. I did however roll over into the very pensive face of my cat Bruce, who was waiting not so patiently for me to get up and turn the bathtub tap on because he doesn't have any thumbs to do it himself ..sucker!!...the coffee was good.....the radio was sad, I contemplated not going to class today but at the last minuet, talked myself into it and actually had a really good class. I have a love hate relationship with CAD class...it teaches me new and exciting things..but I forget them really fast and get frustrated when it won't do what I want it to. I think Deadwood is making me depressed. I have watched the entire first season in about 3 days and now I feel like drinkin' 'till I puke or get in a fight, joining a brothel, or beatin' up a fool for his stash of gold. 'Cause I aint good with a gun.I am also having trouble not swearing like a fuckin' cocksucker...

THE PLACES LIFE TAKES US...

These days are passing with relative ease...I am finding the time to get work done and have time to myself. I think I am spending too much time on the computer, but I haven't given over to the 24 hour porn gods yet so I think I'm ok! I talk to B a few times a day now and we chat online. So often I am amazed at how deeply we are connected. I am careful to gush simply because this thing that is happening is precious to me, I want to keep it. I don't need to extol the virtues of falling in Love, not this time...keep it secret, keep it safe....I don't want it to go away like the other times. What have I learned from past love? Speak your mind always ... everything , fears, hopes, plans, non-plans, sex, life, love.....Be in it...don't just think you have something to go on, really know it, sit with it, exist in the moment with it..if it is real you will be able to feel it without having to describe it a thousandfold to yourself and everyone who will hear you. I know I've got something so remarkable, someone so special... my love grows every day....I feel calm. I feel sure. But most of all I feel Loved Back...

THE LONG DARK TEA-TIME OF THE SOUL...

Well. My flight was at 7am not 7pm, and the night before I realized I had lost my passport, and didn't know how I was to get on the plane. After being on hold for like a half an hour a cranky french Canadian lady told me I had to report it stolen and produce the police report to the airline. Great, I just love cops. Seeing as how the scar from my last run in with police hasn't faded totally away( another story for another day) I was not really thinking they would be helpful. But they were. Friendly in fact. And, dare I admit it, kind of cute. L was helpful and drove me, and when we got home made yet another fantastic meal. I seriously want her to be my personal chef, but don't have the money to bribe her yet.YET. So I got on the plane, and there were no screaming children near me, which is a family curse of mine, but in my haste to make my next flight I left my very expensive camera on the plane. Poo. I was so tired by the time I got home I didn't even clean up the kitty barf until after I had a nap and about 10 glasses of water.Being home is really not all it's cracked up to be. Sure I like time alone. Sure I like the quiet, when I am not secretly wishing the guy upstairs, who I have nick-named Godzilla, would spontaneously combust...My cats are darling but not really a substitute for the One I Love. So I write. I draw and I hope for the miracle of a magic plane ticket to bring him here by my side.