B and I never really had "the talk" about wether we wanted to have kids or not but the time limit of my current IUD was about to expire and we had to at least talk about what we wanted to do regarding birth control. I don't remember the exact conversation, but we ended up agreeing to not use any form of birth control and see what happens. Now, in retrospect, this seems like a dumb move, I mean see what happens? we all know what happens when you do that!!! But, I was 40, and my cycle had gotten a hell of a lot shorter in the last few years, and I truthfully thought it could be possible that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant.....a year rolled by...and one day in July, I was riding my bike to work and I got doored and thrown into the road at College and Yonge.
Fortunately, I was not badly hurt. I was wearing a helmet, which really saved me ( it's not mandatory here in T.O. but every time I took my bike out I could hear my Dad's voice in my head telling me to wear it) and I walked away with minor bruises and a sore neck and back. Not really sore enough to go to the doctor right away, but that following weekend I was feeling under the weather,stiff and achy and then I realized I had missed my period. This was not uncommon in my menstrual history, I had missed a few over the years due to stress and whatnot, hell, even a Christmas had caused me so much stress I missed one! But just to be sure that Sunday I bought a test at the drug store and took it. It was a very very faint positive, so I thought I should go to the doctor to confirm as well as get checked out from my crash. B was away, so it didn't really feel real, as I didn't have to share my concerns and my test with anyone, and I managed to stay in my little bubble of denial for the next day or two by watching a CSI marathon an drinking ginger ale. I went to the Doctor on Monday and as I was sitting there getting checked for injury, I casually mentioned I wanted a blood test to confirm or deny a pregnancy. I explained to her about the faint positive. She laughed and informed me that you cannot, in fact, have a false positive on the pee test, only a false negative because the hormone they test for only shows up when your pregnant. Duh!
I had no idea I would feel the way I did. You see, somehow in my mind all this time we weren't using birth control, and the fact that it was more than a year later, had somehow lulled me into a false sense of security, like if it hadn't happened now, it probably wouldn't. I had come to accept that me and B would would carry on being me and B, and that was fine. I liked our life, it wasn't like I was searching for the next thing, or feeling incomplete, I felt, well, good about everything.
And then with the news that our lives would change forever, I was filled with a huge sense of awe and fear and joy and terror and back to joy again...
I wandered out into the street after my Doctor and I chatted and set up some tests, got a coffee, and then realized I shouldn't have a coffee, then wandered the streets of downtown Toronto with this stupid grin on my face.
It really surprised me how happy I was.
I then bought a 12 year old bottle of scotch for B, went home and waited for him to come home.