Saturday, January 30
When I started therapy, I used to have very vivid dreams about buildings, big, empty buildings, skyscrapers that were just the empty shell, old barns with no glass, helicopter flyby scenes of destruction, like my own private hurricane disaster area.Yesterday I got a look inside someone elses hurricane disaster area from the past and it took me right back to my own GROUND ZERO. It was a surprise, I didn't expect to open my eyes and see the total destruction I thought I had repaired, up close and personal again. It wasn't raw, I mean 9 years of Primal Scream/Gestalt does actually heal some pain, it was more the realization that no matter how far away you get from it, it will always be a part of your landscape. There is no rebuilding on this spot. There is only acceptance of what happened and a survey of new ground to break in the hopes it does not happen again, or at least if it does, your foundation will hold.
Wednesday, January 27
I have been dreaming of the open sky again. The idea of a road trip, a journey, anywhere. Just get in a car and go. Get on a plane and fly. It is calling me, this traveling dream. I usually get this way when I am in school and things are locked in, I am locked in to the routine and can't get out until the end...Dreams of Paris... Spain...Japan...Mexico....hot summer nights on a beach with a sparkling sky and a dreamy full moon...or a return to the frontier way of life, building a cabin with my own two hands from nothing...lovingly placing shingles on my roof and baking bread while my garden grows..spending the evenings snuggled up in a cozy bed, reading to my love by candle light...listening to the Cyotes outside howl mournful respite at the black sky.
Friday, January 22
So...today has been a mix of emotions..I got to sleep in a little this morning (8:30) and much to my surprise Godzilla, my upstairs neighbor, didn't wake me at 7am tromping from his bed to the bathroom and back a million times. I did however roll over into the very pensive face of my cat Bruce, who was waiting not so patiently for me to get up and turn the bathtub tap on because he doesn't have any thumbs to do it himself ..sucker!!...the coffee was good.....the radio was sad, I contemplated not going to class today but at the last minuet, talked myself into it and actually had a really good class. I have a love hate relationship with CAD class...it teaches me new and exciting things..but I forget them really fast and get frustrated when it won't do what I want it to. I think Deadwood is making me depressed. I have watched the entire first season in about 3 days and now I feel like drinkin' 'till I puke or get in a fight, joining a brothel, or beatin' up a fool for his stash of gold. 'Cause I aint good with a gun.I am also having trouble not swearing like a fuckin' cocksucker...
Wednesday, January 13
These days are passing with relative ease...I am finding the time to get work done and have time to myself. I think I am spending too much time on the computer, but I haven't given over to the 24 hour porn gods yet so I think I'm ok! I talk to B a few times a day now and we chat online. So often I am amazed at how deeply we are connected. I am careful to gush simply because this thing that is happening is precious to me, I want to keep it. I don't need to extol the virtues of falling in Love, not this time...keep it secret, keep it safe....I don't want it to go away like the other times. What have I learned from past love? Speak your mind always ... everything , fears, hopes, plans, non-plans, sex, life, love.....Be in it...don't just think you have something to go on, really know it, sit with it, exist in the moment with it..if it is real you will be able to feel it without having to describe it a thousandfold to yourself and everyone who will hear you. I know I've got something so remarkable, someone so special... my love grows every day....I feel calm. I feel sure. But most of all I feel Loved Back...
Thursday, January 7
Well. My flight was at 7am not 7pm, and the night before I realized I had lost my passport, and didn't know how I was to get on the plane. After being on hold for like a half an hour a cranky french Canadian lady told me I had to report it stolen and produce the police report to the airline. Great, I just love cops. Seeing as how the scar from my last run in with police hasn't faded totally away( another story for another day) I was not really thinking they would be helpful. But they were. Friendly in fact. And, dare I admit it, kind of cute. L was helpful and drove me, and when we got home made yet another fantastic meal. I seriously want her to be my personal chef, but don't have the money to bribe her yet.YET. So I got on the plane, and there were no screaming children near me, which is a family curse of mine, but in my haste to make my next flight I left my very expensive camera on the plane. Poo. I was so tired by the time I got home I didn't even clean up the kitty barf until after I had a nap and about 10 glasses of water.Being home is really not all it's cracked up to be. Sure I like time alone. Sure I like the quiet, when I am not secretly wishing the guy upstairs, who I have nick-named Godzilla, would spontaneously combust...My cats are darling but not really a substitute for the One I Love. So I write. I draw and I hope for the miracle of a magic plane ticket to bring him here by my side.